Since my last post things have continued to fluxuate.
Things will be a little bad, then super good, then shitty as fuck then...well you know
Yesterday was glorious as glorious could be.
So today must be on the other side of the scale.
I realize these happen so close to eachother because I realize how happy
I CAN be all the time, and I also realize that I can never be happy alone
which is fucking terrible.
To be alone is happiness; in the sense that you are capable of loving yourself
and capable of being able to reason with yourself.
Right now i'm not going to talk about that. I NEED TO VENT. SO BAD.
I don't even fucking know why i'm feeling this way.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much so being like this all the fucking time.
I fucking hate school, because I can't push myself.
I fucking hate everything because I myself am not motivated to doing ANYTHING.
I miss my motivation, I miss my thirst for knowledge, I miss my pulls for success.
Now I only ask myself to do it, tell myself, want myself. But IT DOESN'T FUCKING
GET ME ANYWHERE, AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THIS WEEK IS MY FUCKING FINALS. AND I ONLY HAVE TWO AND THEY
SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD. WOULDN'T BE THIS HARD IF I HAD JUST FUCKING STUDIED.
and even now trying to catch up on homework and do basic shit, I cannot maintain my focus.
I told myself for the past 2 weeks EVERY MINUTE of my life to study for these.
Even when I was having the best time ever yesterday, I kept yelling at myself
hating myself for enjoying the day, when I should really have been staying at home.
I can't live in the moment. becuase i'm always stuck somewhere else.
And i'm so damn negative, I let everything bother me, why do I let these things bother me?
Why am I so irritated by the way people talk, the things they do, it has nothing to do with me
and yet, I get myself so damn worked up over every nothing.
Want to know what my fucking day consists of?
Waking up at 12, ignoring my 10am alarm. FUCK.
"Running Errands" , I don't have fucking errands, i'm 18.
Eyebrow wax...WHY!?
Come home to do homework, only to get distracted by EVERYTHING.
And i'm not talking facebook distraction. I'm talking messy room,
messy kitchen, messy desk, messy brain, clean up my cuticles, debate with myself if I should smoke,
debate with myself if I should eat an orange [approx 10min].
I sat and wasted about an hour bashing on myself and telling myself how pathetic I was
and then on top of that I wasted about an hour writing up a fitness plan because recently
i've become more conscious about my body weight/tone. I've finished maybe 10 spanish assignments. Yeah it sounds like a lot but I have so much more to do, they should have taken me less than 10 minutes.
and yet here I am still not done with them, and I started them at 3. It's now 6:30pm.
I want to know why the only path I see is giving up.
And whenever I give up, I feel absolutely morbid.
I can't do anything alone. I need someone there to help me
but of course, I end up "using" these people for myself. And well that makes me feel even worse.
I plant a seed only to take it's fruit, then leave it to wither.
What kind of person am I? I'm a terrible person. That's what.
Why can't I be the strong individual I am when i'm not alone?
I just don't understand.
I don't even fucking know.
The only thing I know is that I have a spanish & math final.
If I don't get at least a BC ish grade, I probably won't pass.
But just like I couldn't motivate myself to do well in it all semester
I'm not able to motivate myself to even sit down and fucking do the homework
that will boost my grade, regardless of correct answers. That's like not taking
free candy because I don't want to trouble myself unwrapping the damn thing.
what the fuck is wrong with me. I need to know, and I need it gone.
As i'm writing this post, a part of me feels lifted to be able to say this aloud.
A part of me is still saying "WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU STUDYING"
A part of me is saying "What's wrong with you man? You bring this onto yourself."
And finally a part of me quietly whispers "you're worthless. stop whining and just quit."
