It's Gunna Be MAY

I lied it already is May. I'm starting this post officially at midnight. Pah

i'll let you know ahead of time, this post is about Christine, that cunt.

these past few days i've been feeling lots of weight on my shoulders. I don't know where it's coming from or why it feels as heavy as it does, but it's there and it's bothering me. The air has been so thick you could cut it with scissors, it's been difficult to breathe and every second i'm left still, my eyes are brimming with tears
and I feel so empty.

The results came in, apparently I have ADHD. it's judged on a scale from -10 : 10. 0 being normal, -10 being severe add/adhd I still don't know the fuckin difference. Whatever.
I landed on like a -2.7, to me I was like "oh pshh that's minor"
but my psychologist insists that I have it FOSHO. like it was so serious or something sheesh.
I don't quite agree with him, or the science behind it because well, you just know.

They told me I can be prescribed on adderall. That kind of interested me, but mostly I feel like that wouldn't help. I wouldn't be very happy knowing I needed medicine to do something so basic as focusing. No offense to those out there who have add/adhd. I just am iffy about it.

They are really encouraging me to think about it. So I will, but in the meantime I'm seeing a different therapist, and today [earlier "yesterday"] was our first appointment. I think I gave her the wrong impression about me. But what really is the right impression for a therapist? Ha
Either way, she seems like she knows her shit, she's honest with me, and has already jabbed in the right places that other people have failed to even peek at. So far so good, now if only she wasn't booked all the damn time....

Something that Christine has been a really big bitch about lately is my body.
I can't say I don't have image issues, because obviously just these last 2 sentences proves I worry.
I know i'm not fat, or overweight, or ugly. But i'm not where I want to be, that's fair to say right?
Recently I swear to goodness i've been gaining some weight. And it's really bothering Christine.
I work out 3x a week, but I fail to get much cardio in, but that's been the same since I was young.
As if Christine needed any more reason to bitch at me, she's attacking my image self-esteem
which was once high, and now it's being knocked down ..damnit.

And on top of all of this , I may be having heart problems.
[Which is why I can't do much cardio] I went in to the dr, to see why someone as athletic and involved can't run for 2 min with having my heartbeat jump to 180. Yeah 180 What The Hell
I get really short-of-breath when I walk up a flight of stairs or just walk in general.
That makes me feel so weak and embarassed, and well that's been chewin me out.

So many new problems continue to arise, as if I didn't have enough going on.
I know some things get worse before they get better, but uhh not all cases.
Especially not those with the heart.

I just feel like am enpty shell. I feel so detached from this shell, but on top of that
this shell is dying away. I don't feel good about the outside, and well the inside isn't doing so well
and well all the important shit up in my brain...haha well that's been fucked up for awhile now huh.

really just need to get some sleep.
if only I could. fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

Currently Listening To : Local Joke - Neon Indian

Say WHAT?!

Hey everyone, and Christine.

It's been a little bit huh! These past few days have been feelin' gooood.
and i'm so proud to say it :D

I've managed to stay on top of my homework [or at least got my leg over a chunk]
I've found some HILARIOUSS videos that almost made me pee my poor yoga pants!
So hilarious that 20 secs in I was already at that "silent laugh" where it's less of a laugh
and more of a fight between your laughing needs against need oxygen...
It was a STRUGGLE moving my hand from my stomach to the mouse to pause the
damn video before I blew into bits of confetti, cotton candy and a bits o spaghetti~ HA.

that funny.
but I was also really stinkin high ....at 4:45am.
ha...oops? [insomniainsomniainsomnia]

ANDDD you guys know Spotify right?
that AWESOME music thingy?
If you don't, you're really missin out, it's a great way to find new sounds.

ANYWAYS
I was jammin out to something lovely, when I noticed that a friend of mine [who has great taste]
was listening to the same band for dayyss. Creep*creep*
Basically what i'm getting to is I came across a GREAT band.
But i'll tell you more laterr~

But I wanted to talk about marijuana and the relationship that I chose to have with it.
Yes, I know it's illegal. I follow laws mind you. Always got my belt on, I don't litter or loiter,
don't buy drinks with a fake i.d. The only law I knowingly break other than this is speeding.
but whoo carees.

ANYWAYS, the reason I am morally comfortable with it is because, I can't believe it's illegal.
To me I see cigarettes to be one of the most vile things on this planet. Yet, it's legal.
Oh how convenient! For the low price of 6-8 dollars you can buy DEATHSENTENCES.
I just don't get it. But to me it's another sick ploy that has it's hands intertwined with dirty money.
but LOTS of it.

And to be honest, one of ultimate reason for legalizing weed in the future will be
because it is a big buck makin business. ohh this planet is cruel.

anyways another thought that helps me sleep at night
is well I like the effects it has on me. duhh. It makes me calm, happy
and more appreciate of the things and people around me--well not directly
it just helps me notice more things, which then leads to whaBAM!
and a lotta time it makes me sleepy, and for an insomniac, that's glooorious.
but I believe in self-control too man. You gotta realize what you're doing IS a drug
and that if you do decide to go with that flow, there can be consequences.
....
..
.
One of the consequences is memory loss.
And I totally forgot where the rest of this story was going. DANG.
(how often does that happen to you? depends, do you toke the herb?)
agh well i'll you another day maybe ;D

happy 420 !
(funny secret, a friend and I were talking about wanting to smoke today
when I made the loudest "I SMOKE WEED" gesture...*The Puff Puff Pass*
just as my professor decided to look up in my direction. I just started laughing and said sorry...

anyways here are the goodies I promised.
The first video I laughed my little tush off to. I really like this guy because
he tells stories just like I do, totally surrounding you with the story like you're there yourself.

Next goody is MUSICCCC <333

This band is called Future Islands and the track is Tin Man

And some other artists (and a suggestion song) that I found recently~

The Builders and The Butchers - "Moon in on the March"

Sleep Party People - "I'm Not Human At All"

Matisyahu - "Ancient Lullabies"

Mimosa - "Julia's Labyrinth"

I Am the Architect - "Walk in Regret"

They're all pretty different genres, so if one doesn't quite ring the ding, poke another one.

peace out! [t-minus 6 min. until 4/21 ;[

happy holi-dazeee.

More Windows Cracked

Here I am again, wayyy past bedtime ; 3:56am to be exact.
I'm tired as heck. But I told myself I had to do this now.
I foresee many spelling errors, and less censoring on my memories.

I haven't written these past few days because
1) They weren't memorable. Which sucks in it's own way...
Nothing earth shattering happened, although there were a few tremors ..
But at the same time, nothing absolutely blissful happened either ;/
2) I've forgotten...
3) Coinciding with number 2, I also have a bad habit in which I just tend to forget
about things, and get tired/bored of them. This applies to a lot of things in my life
You may use the term...given up?

Obviously, I haven't give this up. Thank gooooshh!!
However, it is a tendency I tend to have.
I took piano for 10+ years, and once I learned I had the freedom to quit, I did.
And I don't mean to gloat, but I was beastly, and now i'm not even a fraction of it
and I regret it now, of course 3-4 years later ;/
I did really well in school for a very long time,
then well...ha same thing happened, and so far it's only gotten worse.

But worst of all I do this to people.
And recently, I've "let go" of a few of my friends without even realizing it.
One of them, has to be one of my zelda buds for LIFE.
I love him to death, he's let me borrow his Majoras Mask, Wind Waker
and even lets me come over to play Skyward Sword on his Wii. He's always been there for me
whether it's an ear to hear me out, or just being there and lifting the atmostphere.
He's become a lot busier and I haven't seen him in/out school for a long time. I miss him [now]
the reason I say now is because, I forget. It's terrible. I just...forget about things,
and it's my fault, i'm not making an effort to keep him in my life. He just kept trying.
And now, he's upset with me, and wants all his things back and well I don't blame him.
I feel really bad. And what's worse- I forget to feel bad. Minutes after the end happened
I had already forgotten about it. I didn't move on, just forgot.
My mind just hops around, takes a bite before seeing something else to chew.
[hence why I went to the psychologist to see if I had ADD]

This is the first case where i've completely realized what it means to not make an effort.
I've heard this before, but i've only scrunched my nose and tilted my head in confusion.
and now, well...it feels really shitty.

This is the 3rd time. The first...was my ex-boyfriend. I thought I was caring all I could,
doing everything right, and perfect. I thought surely, I was making an effort.
But he was right, it wasn't matched, not even close to what he made me feel.

And the big kahuna. My best-est friend...in the whole world. Except, we're not anymore.
But i'm not going to start this tonight... This story requires so much more time and energy.

Point is, i've heard it before. I did not heed the warning, and well in the end both of them
ended up leaving me. I have no bigger regrets than these two. I wish I had treated him better while
we were together, and I wish I cherished my best friend as she cherished me.

My ex and I are now friends, we still talk to eachother often and I feel we're still close.

However, My heart sinks everytime I think about my best friend;
I want so badly for us to be close again. She was great.
I intend to speak to her again, but right now, I do not have the courage, nor the resolve.
I need to know WHY I do this to everything in my life. And not just why,
but I need to learn and grow. I need to become the person I want to be.
I need to become the girl these people needed all those times, the times I was being selfish.

Once I learn, I will return. And to all those people I cherish, I will be as solid as they are for me.
And to my future friends that I haven't met yet, I hope this never happens again.
I think I can that these have been the most painful experiences in my life.
I don't ever want people to walk out on me; because of me again.



Reading this whole thing over, I realized...

I'M TALKING ABOUT LOVE.

I've been so spoiled...I've recieved so much, yet............damnit.

Currently Listening To: Coldplay Playlist