It's Gunna Be MAY

I lied it already is May. I'm starting this post officially at midnight. Pah

i'll let you know ahead of time, this post is about Christine, that cunt.

these past few days i've been feeling lots of weight on my shoulders. I don't know where it's coming from or why it feels as heavy as it does, but it's there and it's bothering me. The air has been so thick you could cut it with scissors, it's been difficult to breathe and every second i'm left still, my eyes are brimming with tears
and I feel so empty.

The results came in, apparently I have ADHD. it's judged on a scale from -10 : 10. 0 being normal, -10 being severe add/adhd I still don't know the fuckin difference. Whatever.
I landed on like a -2.7, to me I was like "oh pshh that's minor"
but my psychologist insists that I have it FOSHO. like it was so serious or something sheesh.
I don't quite agree with him, or the science behind it because well, you just know.

They told me I can be prescribed on adderall. That kind of interested me, but mostly I feel like that wouldn't help. I wouldn't be very happy knowing I needed medicine to do something so basic as focusing. No offense to those out there who have add/adhd. I just am iffy about it.

They are really encouraging me to think about it. So I will, but in the meantime I'm seeing a different therapist, and today [earlier "yesterday"] was our first appointment. I think I gave her the wrong impression about me. But what really is the right impression for a therapist? Ha
Either way, she seems like she knows her shit, she's honest with me, and has already jabbed in the right places that other people have failed to even peek at. So far so good, now if only she wasn't booked all the damn time....

Something that Christine has been a really big bitch about lately is my body.
I can't say I don't have image issues, because obviously just these last 2 sentences proves I worry.
I know i'm not fat, or overweight, or ugly. But i'm not where I want to be, that's fair to say right?
Recently I swear to goodness i've been gaining some weight. And it's really bothering Christine.
I work out 3x a week, but I fail to get much cardio in, but that's been the same since I was young.
As if Christine needed any more reason to bitch at me, she's attacking my image self-esteem
which was once high, and now it's being knocked down ..damnit.

And on top of all of this , I may be having heart problems.
[Which is why I can't do much cardio] I went in to the dr, to see why someone as athletic and involved can't run for 2 min with having my heartbeat jump to 180. Yeah 180 What The Hell
I get really short-of-breath when I walk up a flight of stairs or just walk in general.
That makes me feel so weak and embarassed, and well that's been chewin me out.

So many new problems continue to arise, as if I didn't have enough going on.
I know some things get worse before they get better, but uhh not all cases.
Especially not those with the heart.

I just feel like am enpty shell. I feel so detached from this shell, but on top of that
this shell is dying away. I don't feel good about the outside, and well the inside isn't doing so well
and well all the important shit up in my brain...haha well that's been fucked up for awhile now huh.

really just need to get some sleep.
if only I could. fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

Currently Listening To : Local Joke - Neon Indian