I'm tired as heck. But I told myself I had to do this now.
I foresee many spelling errors, and less censoring on my memories.
I haven't written these past few days because
1) They weren't memorable. Which sucks in it's own way...
Nothing earth shattering happened, although there were a few tremors ..
But at the same time, nothing absolutely blissful happened either ;/
2) I've forgotten...
3) Coinciding with number 2, I also have a bad habit in which I just tend to forget
about things, and get tired/bored of them. This applies to a lot of things in my life
You may use the term...given up?
Obviously, I haven't give this up. Thank gooooshh!!
However, it is a tendency I tend to have.
I took piano for 10+ years, and once I learned I had the freedom to quit, I did.
And I don't mean to gloat, but I was beastly, and now i'm not even a fraction of it
and I regret it now, of course 3-4 years later ;/
I did really well in school for a very long time,
then well...ha same thing happened, and so far it's only gotten worse.
But worst of all I do this to people.
And recently, I've "let go" of a few of my friends without even realizing it.
One of them, has to be one of my zelda buds for LIFE.
I love him to death, he's let me borrow his Majoras Mask, Wind Waker
and even lets me come over to play Skyward Sword on his Wii. He's always been there for me
whether it's an ear to hear me out, or just being there and lifting the atmostphere.
He's become a lot busier and I haven't seen him in/out school for a long time. I miss him [now]
the reason I say now is because, I forget. It's terrible. I just...forget about things,
and it's my fault, i'm not making an effort to keep him in my life. He just kept trying.
And now, he's upset with me, and wants all his things back and well I don't blame him.
I feel really bad. And what's worse- I forget to feel bad. Minutes after the end happened
I had already forgotten about it. I didn't move on, just forgot.
My mind just hops around, takes a bite before seeing something else to chew.
[hence why I went to the psychologist to see if I had ADD]
This is the first case where i've completely realized what it means to not make an effort.
I've heard this before, but i've only scrunched my nose and tilted my head in confusion.
and now, well...it feels really shitty.
This is the 3rd time. The first...was my ex-boyfriend. I thought I was caring all I could,
doing everything right, and perfect. I thought surely, I was making an effort.
But he was right, it wasn't matched, not even close to what he made me feel.
And the big kahuna. My best-est friend...in the whole world. Except, we're not anymore.
But i'm not going to start this tonight... This story requires so much more time and energy.
Point is, i've heard it before. I did not heed the warning, and well in the end both of them
ended up leaving me. I have no bigger regrets than these two. I wish I had treated him better while
we were together, and I wish I cherished my best friend as she cherished me.
My ex and I are now friends, we still talk to eachother often and I feel we're still close.
However, My heart sinks everytime I think about my best friend;
I want so badly for us to be close again. She was great.
I intend to speak to her again, but right now, I do not have the courage, nor the resolve.
I need to know WHY I do this to everything in my life. And not just why,
but I need to learn and grow. I need to become the person I want to be.
I need to become the girl these people needed all those times, the times I was being selfish.
Once I learn, I will return. And to all those people I cherish, I will be as solid as they are for me.
And to my future friends that I haven't met yet, I hope this never happens again.
I think I can that these have been the most painful experiences in my life.
I don't ever want people to walk out on me; because of me again.
Reading this whole thing over, I realized...
I'M TALKING ABOUT LOVE.
I've been so spoiled...I've recieved so much, yet............damnit.
Currently Listening To: Coldplay Playlist
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