It's Gunna Be MAY

I lied it already is May. I'm starting this post officially at midnight. Pah

i'll let you know ahead of time, this post is about Christine, that cunt.

these past few days i've been feeling lots of weight on my shoulders. I don't know where it's coming from or why it feels as heavy as it does, but it's there and it's bothering me. The air has been so thick you could cut it with scissors, it's been difficult to breathe and every second i'm left still, my eyes are brimming with tears
and I feel so empty.

The results came in, apparently I have ADHD. it's judged on a scale from -10 : 10. 0 being normal, -10 being severe add/adhd I still don't know the fuckin difference. Whatever.
I landed on like a -2.7, to me I was like "oh pshh that's minor"
but my psychologist insists that I have it FOSHO. like it was so serious or something sheesh.
I don't quite agree with him, or the science behind it because well, you just know.

They told me I can be prescribed on adderall. That kind of interested me, but mostly I feel like that wouldn't help. I wouldn't be very happy knowing I needed medicine to do something so basic as focusing. No offense to those out there who have add/adhd. I just am iffy about it.

They are really encouraging me to think about it. So I will, but in the meantime I'm seeing a different therapist, and today [earlier "yesterday"] was our first appointment. I think I gave her the wrong impression about me. But what really is the right impression for a therapist? Ha
Either way, she seems like she knows her shit, she's honest with me, and has already jabbed in the right places that other people have failed to even peek at. So far so good, now if only she wasn't booked all the damn time....

Something that Christine has been a really big bitch about lately is my body.
I can't say I don't have image issues, because obviously just these last 2 sentences proves I worry.
I know i'm not fat, or overweight, or ugly. But i'm not where I want to be, that's fair to say right?
Recently I swear to goodness i've been gaining some weight. And it's really bothering Christine.
I work out 3x a week, but I fail to get much cardio in, but that's been the same since I was young.
As if Christine needed any more reason to bitch at me, she's attacking my image self-esteem
which was once high, and now it's being knocked down ..damnit.

And on top of all of this , I may be having heart problems.
[Which is why I can't do much cardio] I went in to the dr, to see why someone as athletic and involved can't run for 2 min with having my heartbeat jump to 180. Yeah 180 What The Hell
I get really short-of-breath when I walk up a flight of stairs or just walk in general.
That makes me feel so weak and embarassed, and well that's been chewin me out.

So many new problems continue to arise, as if I didn't have enough going on.
I know some things get worse before they get better, but uhh not all cases.
Especially not those with the heart.

I just feel like am enpty shell. I feel so detached from this shell, but on top of that
this shell is dying away. I don't feel good about the outside, and well the inside isn't doing so well
and well all the important shit up in my brain...haha well that's been fucked up for awhile now huh.

really just need to get some sleep.
if only I could. fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

Currently Listening To : Local Joke - Neon Indian

Say WHAT?!

Hey everyone, and Christine.

It's been a little bit huh! These past few days have been feelin' gooood.
and i'm so proud to say it :D

I've managed to stay on top of my homework [or at least got my leg over a chunk]
I've found some HILARIOUSS videos that almost made me pee my poor yoga pants!
So hilarious that 20 secs in I was already at that "silent laugh" where it's less of a laugh
and more of a fight between your laughing needs against need oxygen...
It was a STRUGGLE moving my hand from my stomach to the mouse to pause the
damn video before I blew into bits of confetti, cotton candy and a bits o spaghetti~ HA.

that funny.
but I was also really stinkin high ....at 4:45am.
ha...oops? [insomniainsomniainsomnia]

ANDDD you guys know Spotify right?
that AWESOME music thingy?
If you don't, you're really missin out, it's a great way to find new sounds.

ANYWAYS
I was jammin out to something lovely, when I noticed that a friend of mine [who has great taste]
was listening to the same band for dayyss. Creep*creep*
Basically what i'm getting to is I came across a GREAT band.
But i'll tell you more laterr~

But I wanted to talk about marijuana and the relationship that I chose to have with it.
Yes, I know it's illegal. I follow laws mind you. Always got my belt on, I don't litter or loiter,
don't buy drinks with a fake i.d. The only law I knowingly break other than this is speeding.
but whoo carees.

ANYWAYS, the reason I am morally comfortable with it is because, I can't believe it's illegal.
To me I see cigarettes to be one of the most vile things on this planet. Yet, it's legal.
Oh how convenient! For the low price of 6-8 dollars you can buy DEATHSENTENCES.
I just don't get it. But to me it's another sick ploy that has it's hands intertwined with dirty money.
but LOTS of it.

And to be honest, one of ultimate reason for legalizing weed in the future will be
because it is a big buck makin business. ohh this planet is cruel.

anyways another thought that helps me sleep at night
is well I like the effects it has on me. duhh. It makes me calm, happy
and more appreciate of the things and people around me--well not directly
it just helps me notice more things, which then leads to whaBAM!
and a lotta time it makes me sleepy, and for an insomniac, that's glooorious.
but I believe in self-control too man. You gotta realize what you're doing IS a drug
and that if you do decide to go with that flow, there can be consequences.
....
..
.
One of the consequences is memory loss.
And I totally forgot where the rest of this story was going. DANG.
(how often does that happen to you? depends, do you toke the herb?)
agh well i'll you another day maybe ;D

happy 420 !
(funny secret, a friend and I were talking about wanting to smoke today
when I made the loudest "I SMOKE WEED" gesture...*The Puff Puff Pass*
just as my professor decided to look up in my direction. I just started laughing and said sorry...

anyways here are the goodies I promised.
The first video I laughed my little tush off to. I really like this guy because
he tells stories just like I do, totally surrounding you with the story like you're there yourself.

Next goody is MUSICCCC <333

This band is called Future Islands and the track is Tin Man

And some other artists (and a suggestion song) that I found recently~

The Builders and The Butchers - "Moon in on the March"

Sleep Party People - "I'm Not Human At All"

Matisyahu - "Ancient Lullabies"

Mimosa - "Julia's Labyrinth"

I Am the Architect - "Walk in Regret"

They're all pretty different genres, so if one doesn't quite ring the ding, poke another one.

peace out! [t-minus 6 min. until 4/21 ;[

happy holi-dazeee.

More Windows Cracked

Here I am again, wayyy past bedtime ; 3:56am to be exact.
I'm tired as heck. But I told myself I had to do this now.
I foresee many spelling errors, and less censoring on my memories.

I haven't written these past few days because
1) They weren't memorable. Which sucks in it's own way...
Nothing earth shattering happened, although there were a few tremors ..
But at the same time, nothing absolutely blissful happened either ;/
2) I've forgotten...
3) Coinciding with number 2, I also have a bad habit in which I just tend to forget
about things, and get tired/bored of them. This applies to a lot of things in my life
You may use the term...given up?

Obviously, I haven't give this up. Thank gooooshh!!
However, it is a tendency I tend to have.
I took piano for 10+ years, and once I learned I had the freedom to quit, I did.
And I don't mean to gloat, but I was beastly, and now i'm not even a fraction of it
and I regret it now, of course 3-4 years later ;/
I did really well in school for a very long time,
then well...ha same thing happened, and so far it's only gotten worse.

But worst of all I do this to people.
And recently, I've "let go" of a few of my friends without even realizing it.
One of them, has to be one of my zelda buds for LIFE.
I love him to death, he's let me borrow his Majoras Mask, Wind Waker
and even lets me come over to play Skyward Sword on his Wii. He's always been there for me
whether it's an ear to hear me out, or just being there and lifting the atmostphere.
He's become a lot busier and I haven't seen him in/out school for a long time. I miss him [now]
the reason I say now is because, I forget. It's terrible. I just...forget about things,
and it's my fault, i'm not making an effort to keep him in my life. He just kept trying.
And now, he's upset with me, and wants all his things back and well I don't blame him.
I feel really bad. And what's worse- I forget to feel bad. Minutes after the end happened
I had already forgotten about it. I didn't move on, just forgot.
My mind just hops around, takes a bite before seeing something else to chew.
[hence why I went to the psychologist to see if I had ADD]

This is the first case where i've completely realized what it means to not make an effort.
I've heard this before, but i've only scrunched my nose and tilted my head in confusion.
and now, well...it feels really shitty.

This is the 3rd time. The first...was my ex-boyfriend. I thought I was caring all I could,
doing everything right, and perfect. I thought surely, I was making an effort.
But he was right, it wasn't matched, not even close to what he made me feel.

And the big kahuna. My best-est friend...in the whole world. Except, we're not anymore.
But i'm not going to start this tonight... This story requires so much more time and energy.

Point is, i've heard it before. I did not heed the warning, and well in the end both of them
ended up leaving me. I have no bigger regrets than these two. I wish I had treated him better while
we were together, and I wish I cherished my best friend as she cherished me.

My ex and I are now friends, we still talk to eachother often and I feel we're still close.

However, My heart sinks everytime I think about my best friend;
I want so badly for us to be close again. She was great.
I intend to speak to her again, but right now, I do not have the courage, nor the resolve.
I need to know WHY I do this to everything in my life. And not just why,
but I need to learn and grow. I need to become the person I want to be.
I need to become the girl these people needed all those times, the times I was being selfish.

Once I learn, I will return. And to all those people I cherish, I will be as solid as they are for me.
And to my future friends that I haven't met yet, I hope this never happens again.
I think I can that these have been the most painful experiences in my life.
I don't ever want people to walk out on me; because of me again.



Reading this whole thing over, I realized...

I'M TALKING ABOUT LOVE.

I've been so spoiled...I've recieved so much, yet............damnit.

Currently Listening To: Coldplay Playlist

Feet On Fye-er!

Tonight was incredible.

Usually on saturday nights I go out dancing with my lovely lady friends
unfortunately, one was feeling a little under the weather and could not stay for long.
But the reason we went out tonight was for the moombah. [caribe style dubstep]
it's got spicy beats that you cannnoott help but groove and just let go.

It was purrfect, had just the right amount of liquid courage, and tasty greens
and an what seemed like an infinite intake of excitable Bassss.
All of these things obviously makes for an AWESOME dance sesh.
And I really let------go tonight.
Something felt a little different tonight that any other night that i've danced.

I don't know how else to explain it.
My world became minimized to just my muscles,
and the music. They called and responded to eachother, becoming more satisfied with every coming beat.
My body was like the music's translator - that's a good way of saying what I mean.

I always knew dancing for fun made my heart swell, but maybe it should be something more?
I should look into finding a dance crew. I think I would enjoy it very much. Even as a kid I always had dreams of joining up with fellow beat-cravers and dancing,
releasing art with our bodies.

Yo! if you're in a crew or know of anything;
let me know!
i'd be super interested. I would love to try something new,
apply myself where I have talents, forge an even greater bond with
groovin' and just havin fun whilst doing so. It just sounds lovely.

This CC is happy indeeeed, and it rings to both sides of me.
I'm glad to know dancing is something we both believe in.
it's when we both shut up and live.

Currently Listening To: "Crave You" - Flight Facilities

Pit of Mind

Recently i've been going to a psychologist to see whether or not I have ADD
and one of the tests they made take was a personality test but it was a very detailed
True/False [my least favorite]they all revolved around the same subjects; loneliness, self-esteem,
drugs & alcohol abuse, guilt, right and wrongs, broken family relationships, self-harm, anxiety, social awkwardness, etc.

One of them was something like this "I often have a fear of meeting new people because I fear they may be trying to manipulate me or have ulterior motives"

I was scrolling through all of these kind of quickly and I pressed False
without thinking, but then something inside me stopped me from submitting
it. I love meeting new people, and I never have negative assumptions [or at least
I try not to until they ruin it]. But something inside me really wanted to click True.

***SPOILER ALERT MY EGO COMES OUT A LITTLE BIT.

In middle school and high school, and even early college [1st sem?] I had
some image issues [who frickin doesn't nowadays? and if you don't..very happy for you]
and I thought I was too big, too asian lookin, too short, too ugly etc.
Of course my "other-half" knows, i'm not any of those things. but she got
drowned out by the negativity, I could barely hear her whispers.

**But now I have a much better conscious of how I look. I'm just,
I work out, I eat healthily, and I feel that I am alluring to a certain extent.
And once I felt comfortable with that, more people [guys] started started talking
to me. It feels kind of nice to be able to accept it. But this question now has
twisted my view on it. What if they do have ulterior motives?
What if ALL THEY WANT is to use me? Suddenly I become scared.
I know it's not what I want to think at all, but now all these nasty thoughts fill my head.
And suddenly I become overrun, by the snowball this question had begun.

Doubt, dishonesty, dirty people, the evil side of humans, and manipulation.
Manipulation; that's a strong word to me in itself [but that's another story I must share another day]

Now even though I believe I have such an open heart and warmth,
my mind keeps bringing up old small details between my closest friends
that made me feel the same kind of surprise.
I feel like it's trying to create a void between me and my loved ones
it's pulls hard.

I can't get it to stop. It's tearing me apart from inside
it's like a cruel movie scene where someone has to witness their loved one get hurt.
I'm seeing and feeling all that it's happening, and I feel so helpless.
now i'm second-guessing every text, every smile, every single fuckin action
anytime someone does something nice to me, later that day i'll be running it in my mind
analyzing it. I feel like a bitch, inner christine is being harsh.


This is how my mind works guys. All of that you just read, is that I have to deal with...
everyday.....about everything. You wouldn't believe how rotten it feels in my mind.
And with all of this going on, how can I get anyhting done? I'm thinking [and thus releasing]
instead of my doing my math homework. I have an exam tomorrow, as well as 2 chps of
math homework due. Yet none of it is done. [This will only cause more dispair later
once i'm finished with this post]

.....and I just did it again..
I realized I like blogging so much because I feel as if I am telling this to someone
and they are just the best listener, and that...feels really good to me.
but in a sense it's also sad, I'm pouring my heart [and tears] into a blog.
it shouldn't be sad, but ...I don't know..

Currently Listening To: "Raise Your Weapon" - Deadmau5

"Stars" - The xx

Cuh-reepy Shiz

I was debating creating a new post today, but I kept thinking "cc, don't over-do it!"
but obviously I think we know who won [inner cc "yusss"]

People dread a lot of things. It's different for everyone of course
today was my dia del dread man.

I had to wake up at 7. [Dread #1],for a DENTIST APP [dread #2]

cleanings are def one of the worst dental processes. esp cleanings with braces, the BAKING SODA BLAST. EEAAAAAAAHHNOOO!!

and is it just me, or is this how you see the dentist too?

Anywayzz, DREAD NUMBA DOS.
Spanish test yo. I know I did super bad on it, and before you all start consoling me with "i'm sure you did fine" 's think about it this way. I didn't even know what fcking chapter we had been studying this past week. So easy to assume, I probably didn't do so hot.

And finally and hopefully the last of the day...if not week. [foreva plz]
I was slowly drifting off into what would have been a blissful nap [not gunna lie, was wishing for erotic dreams] but was rudely awakened/frightened by a HUGE SPIDERR!!!

EEEAAAAUUUUGGHH!

ok it wasn't THAT BIG. but it freaked the yoga pants offa me.
and yoga pants are tight yo.
I knew I couldn't have it tip-toeing around my life, so I ran to grab kleenex
but IT FUCKING JUMPED DUDE! ON TO MAH BED.
that's when I kinda lost it, everything was a big blur,
before I knew it, the spider was dead in the tissue and in the trash.
uhhnn. oooh lookatme killin machine. ooh aaah eeh GRRR!

I think that's all the excitement I need today. No mas por favor ;[

at this time i'd like to take that nap [dreams included; fingers crossed] then go kick it with a

very important friend, play some video games, smoke some dope

yknow yknow- the stuff we all look forward to ;]

Currently Listening to: "Do It Well" - The Giving Tree Band

A Laaay-Z Monday

Aaaahhh! Just as the title says yo!
I ended up staying up pretty late last night trying to get this blog up.
I don't regret it; but I do regret waking up at 11 :/
missed my bus ---- missing spanish class.

I hope this is an ongoing project for myself, i'd like to see my split personalities laid out next to one-another so that I can truly see my strange tendencies. Eep i'm a little scared !!

I am lucid dreamer.
For those of that do not know what means, think about the movie "Inception" [fantastic movie by the way], but basically i'm like those guys without the machinery, and of course, lack of DiCaprio. I'm able to control many aspects of my dreams, bending it to make something craaazy.

I'm usually pretty good at remembering my dreams when I wake up.
But today was completely different. As I could feel my eyes fluttering slowly and the presence of my physical body, I was already starting to forget, and by the time I saw the colorful bandanas on my ceiling; it had completely fazed out, without a trace.
I struggled to grasp at any pieces, but it was like gripping smoke.
It had left me, but a big throbbing thought replaced it.
"I mistreat people. Before I meet them, after I meet them, and even the ones I love"
I'm in the process i'm trying to figure out if that is true.
I know I'm not perfect, i'm only human psshht. Sometimes I forget how blessed
I am to have these people in my world, and even more so that they choose to include me in theirs.
But, I have to agree, I slip and I take them for granted.

SOO...*drumrollllllllllllllllll~
my aspiration for today is making sure I treat everyone the way they make me feel.
I am going to work on giving back the powerful emotions and bliss I recieve from these lovely hearts.
Today is my day to be selfless, and shower the ones that care for me in the warmth they make me feel
For any and all of you reading this; thanks.
And to you, the lovers, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I really do hope I can match the inspiration and wealth you indulge me in.
Hopefully this will be a success, and I can continue making this a part of my life.

Cheers, TO LOVE!

Currently Listening to: "Pawn Shop" - Sublime

On the Bright Side

"The sun will rise on a new day"

Hello! I'm CC
And this is my second experience blogging!
I used to have a poem blog, but that was wayyyy back
and i've totally forgot what the site is. Such a pity ;C

It feels like a first to me though :D
I have no clue on how to organize this son-of-blog.
I wanted it to be like a jekyl & hyde theme, so that my "evil" me
can post on one drop-down menu thing, while happy cc can post here!
help me out yo!?

It's 1:48am, as usual i'm wide awake and procrastinating.
I didn't do anything productive today ;[
However, I did try my hand at making some vegan oatmeal bars on my own.
I had made them just yesterday with a fantastic lady-friend
THEY TASTED SO GOOOOOD.
So...I tried it again.
However this time it sorta failed.

My oven is like superr fucking hot.
350 deg = 400. I swear to god. The recipe we used said to bake 35-45 minutes.
I decided to check in at 20 and the whole damn thing was burnt.
Next time i'll have to try at 300 deg, for maybe 30minutes :/

Also look at this find!!! Well I can't take the credit, a friend of mine showed her to me.
She has a great voice, and this song in particular has a very nice feel to it.

"That Very Night" - Hollie Cook

The Dark Side

"Think before you speak, before you act, before anything you do"

Hello there, i'm Christine.

Everyone has their own battles, let me tell you mine.

I'm OCD, about thinking. I think WAY. WAY....too much.

I'm obsessed with it. I can't stop, it's a bles--- it's a curse.

I have to admit, it makes me a lot smart than other people my age, they don't think enough.

But, nitpicking at everything, going over something over...and over and over....

NEEDING PERFECTION.

I know for a fact, i'm a wonderful person.

I know this because there are people that support me, love me

and want to keep me in their lives. That must mean I did something right.

These are the thoughts that fight to keep my afloat

But I allow myself too much power

and I find myself looking up to a light

that fades ever so quickly as I sink deeper into myself

It is so unproductive.

Thinking and harming myself like this just makes me even more useless.

I can't even carry out daily tasks without my mind drifting into this pit

then my focus is broken, which can only lead to less success, and more failures

It's a cycle I cannot seem to break

When i'm alone I have all the time in the world to think.

And unfortunately for me, the subject is always me.

More specifically, it's my faults. Because I feel that I have so many

so many faults, that it would never matter how many good qualities I had

because I'm still dissapointed with myself.

And what's worse, I KNOW I need to stop,

but I feel no strength to motivate me to.

And it's a never ending cycle, of tears, blame, and disgust.