Pit of Mind

Recently i've been going to a psychologist to see whether or not I have ADD
and one of the tests they made take was a personality test but it was a very detailed
True/False [my least favorite]they all revolved around the same subjects; loneliness, self-esteem,
drugs & alcohol abuse, guilt, right and wrongs, broken family relationships, self-harm, anxiety, social awkwardness, etc.

One of them was something like this "I often have a fear of meeting new people because I fear they may be trying to manipulate me or have ulterior motives"

I was scrolling through all of these kind of quickly and I pressed False
without thinking, but then something inside me stopped me from submitting
it. I love meeting new people, and I never have negative assumptions [or at least
I try not to until they ruin it]. But something inside me really wanted to click True.

***SPOILER ALERT MY EGO COMES OUT A LITTLE BIT.

In middle school and high school, and even early college [1st sem?] I had
some image issues [who frickin doesn't nowadays? and if you don't..very happy for you]
and I thought I was too big, too asian lookin, too short, too ugly etc.
Of course my "other-half" knows, i'm not any of those things. but she got
drowned out by the negativity, I could barely hear her whispers.

**But now I have a much better conscious of how I look. I'm just,
I work out, I eat healthily, and I feel that I am alluring to a certain extent.
And once I felt comfortable with that, more people [guys] started started talking
to me. It feels kind of nice to be able to accept it. But this question now has
twisted my view on it. What if they do have ulterior motives?
What if ALL THEY WANT is to use me? Suddenly I become scared.
I know it's not what I want to think at all, but now all these nasty thoughts fill my head.
And suddenly I become overrun, by the snowball this question had begun.

Doubt, dishonesty, dirty people, the evil side of humans, and manipulation.
Manipulation; that's a strong word to me in itself [but that's another story I must share another day]

Now even though I believe I have such an open heart and warmth,
my mind keeps bringing up old small details between my closest friends
that made me feel the same kind of surprise.
I feel like it's trying to create a void between me and my loved ones
it's pulls hard.

I can't get it to stop. It's tearing me apart from inside
it's like a cruel movie scene where someone has to witness their loved one get hurt.
I'm seeing and feeling all that it's happening, and I feel so helpless.
now i'm second-guessing every text, every smile, every single fuckin action
anytime someone does something nice to me, later that day i'll be running it in my mind
analyzing it. I feel like a bitch, inner christine is being harsh.


This is how my mind works guys. All of that you just read, is that I have to deal with...
everyday.....about everything. You wouldn't believe how rotten it feels in my mind.
And with all of this going on, how can I get anyhting done? I'm thinking [and thus releasing]
instead of my doing my math homework. I have an exam tomorrow, as well as 2 chps of
math homework due. Yet none of it is done. [This will only cause more dispair later
once i'm finished with this post]

.....and I just did it again..
I realized I like blogging so much because I feel as if I am telling this to someone
and they are just the best listener, and that...feels really good to me.
but in a sense it's also sad, I'm pouring my heart [and tears] into a blog.
it shouldn't be sad, but ...I don't know..

Currently Listening To: "Raise Your Weapon" - Deadmau5

"Stars" - The xx